More About Mom

10/23

Right after I wrote the last entry, she fell in the bathroom because of weakness in her legs from the metastases. My sister gave her steroids which reduce inflammation, and she has been doing relatively well since, though pain medications are a must and there are side-effects of all these medications.

We went to Sloan today after a few days of no hospitalization, and it seems like the doctors want to irradiate C6 and T11 instead of do surgery. There have been lifetime doses to those areas, but they think they can pull off a bit more, especially because the radiation treatments worked so well before.

I can tell that my mom is sick of all of the treatment. She is sick of always traveling, sick of all of the medications she has to remember to take, sick of all of the side effects, sick of all of the doctors and hospital stays. She also hates that it’s affecting her family and that we have to sit by her, but I keep telling her we’re happy to do it and we are there for her.

It almost feels like we’re patching stuff up as we find problems rather than solving them. We were supposed to go to Boston this past weekend to see into which study (studies) she could be enrolled but that didn’t happen, obviously. After these doses of radiation, all we really have left is surgery, which is very dangerous and tough to do. There is maybe the possibility of injecting chemo right into the CSF, but that’s not a standard protocol.

It’s nice that everyone is telling me that they’re sorry and that they’re there for me, whatever I need. I almost feel behind on my schoolwork, but I just don’t care that much. I’m studying as much as I can in the hospital and at home, but sometimes it’s hard to concentrate and I think the stress is making me more tired than usual. Still, I’m getting lots done.

I saw my anatomy group today and I’m obviously in a funk because I don’t crack jokes and I’m almost emotionless and toneless when I interact with people other than my family and the doctors in the hospital who are treating my mom. On the one hand, I don’t feel like I’m being affected that much, but I can’t control how I’m acting and I’m obviously affected.

I’m going to go to Anatomy classes and try to study biochemistry as much as I can for Monday’s exam. Other than that, I plan to be in the hospital as much as I can. It’s a bit difficult because there is no reception in patient areas (they jam the phone signal). I wanted to go tonight after meeting with my anatomy group, but my dad told me I shouldn’t, that my mom would be asleep anyway, and that I should rest and do my work. I promised her that I’d come back so it’s frustrating, but I will see her tomorrow after 5. I don’t know whether I should be there all the time or save my energy or what. I guess I just want to spend time with her and make her feel better.