Sickness

So I wrote a few things down about my mom being sick and I haven't posted them. Here they are:

10/18

I missed classes today (and will miss them tomorrow) because I found out that my mom has become sicker. My mom and dad love to keep her health under wraps because they don’t like for me to worry, so the fact that I know that she is feeling sicker made me worry more than had I been told all along. Early in the week, I found out she was having intestinal problems. Now, it seems that the nausea and all that was due to severe pain.

I’m not sure whether the scariest part is. My mom might have spinal cord compression that’s affecting her right leg; she’s had it before, and has had a lifetime dose (meaning she can’t have any more regardless of whether there’s more tumor there because her normal cells will commit suicide). My sister also thinks that there’s swelling around my mom’s brain, which I guess is worse.

My mom is always vague about how much pain she’s in because I guess she doesn’t want us to be concerned for her health. This week, the pain became so bad that she is taking 3 oxycontin every 4 hours and her right hip and leg are very weak. The oxycontin is making her disoriented and sleepy, though she is very coherent. Still, when she’s coming off the pills, she is much more clearheaded and responsive.

It’s really scary to see such a sharp decline in her health. Just a week and a half ago, she was walking around, washing dishes, and helping out for her and my father’s birthday party. She’s had a limp for a while now, but it has become very pronounced. She needs to hold on to walls or to my hand when she walks up stairs or even across a room, and I can see her cringe and grunt softly when she is overexerting herself simply to walk forward sometimes. I’m reminded of when my grandfather came back from the hospital a few months before his death, and it scares me. He also had a hard time walking and the same pained look when he tried.

She seems very embarrassed about her pain and inability to walk, and it’s frustrating. I’m her son, and I want to take care of her when she is ill. We are not doing her favors, we are not giving her pity, we are just trying to help and make her as comfortable as possible because she is our mother/wife. She also keeps saying that my father must be having a very hard time and is not happy with her because she’s become so weak. It’s hard to understand the way she is feeling, like a burden. I know my dad and he wants to help very badly. He is not sad or angry because of her, but because he is having a very hard time seeing her so weak. He loves her so much that it’s hurtful to see it.

I am not as sad as I thought I would be upon seeing her. I might just be really good at blocking things out or convincing myself that I’m happy-go-lucky. I do feel bad and it is sad to see her like this, but it’s not affecting me like it is my other family members or even my friends. Sara called me today to ask how my mom was doing and I told her a bit about the situation. She asked if I was fine and I said “you know me,” to which she responded “Yeah, I’m probably sadder and more worried than you are right now.” I don’t feel bad about it, I just accept that this is who I am. I also feel like I am helping my family by being so strong and unaffected, and smiling and helping all I can. I remember fellow students and patients in medical school speaking about how their stoic doctors gave them faith and helped them feel better because of the doctors’ strength. I know my personality, and I like that I can be a source of strength for those around me.

My mom just went to sleep in the next room. I’m sure she is tired from all the trips she has to constantly make, to appointments, to chemo, to imaging. She is tired from the pain and from the pills. I’m so amazed at how she has been able to handle such a difficult disease. Maybe it’s for her family. I don’t know why she hasn’t given up and how she remains so strong, but I hope that I am part of that reason, and that my father and sister and grandmother are as well. We love her and she knows this, and she goes through such difficult procedures and pain and everything while trying to seem as if it’s nothing. It’s unbelievable. I’m very proud of her.